


is it a silver ring thing?

by oonaseckar



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom, X-Men (Comicverse), X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Blind Date, British Slang, Dating, F/M, Gen, He's Just Not That Into You, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Promiscuity, Secretly a Virgin, Sex Positive, Slang, Speed Dating, Virginity, fanny - Freeform, greg behrendt, it's called a break-up because it's broken, it's only a fucking date, slang terms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-01-20 16:20:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21284597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oonaseckar/pseuds/oonaseckar
Summary: Charles is the most enormous tart.  A great big whorey put-it-abouter -- the town bike, in fact.Correction: Charles is a virgin.Again.
Relationships: Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier, Steve Rogers/Charles Xavier
Comments: 3
Kudos: 25





	1. "I used to be Snow White, but I drifted..."

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter title is Mae West, I believe.

<del>Charles is the most _enormous_ tart. A great big whorey put-it-abouter -- the town bike, in fact.</del>

Charles is a _virgin_.

Again.

At least, that's how he's trying to put it over to the gang, over rocket salad and sea food pasta, Tuesday lunchtime at a spot priced to keep out _hoi_ _polloi_.

"So are you having anything... _surgical_ done?" Az asks, gesticulating with a lubricious expression, and almost taking Beast's eye out with his mussel fork.


	2. good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charles is getting a bit miffed, now. No-one's taking his renewed virginity sodding _seriously!_ The utter swine!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Helen Gurley Brown, oddball Cosmopolitan editress.

"No! For God's sake!" It's not too surprising that Charles is a bit exasperated, a delicate flush on his lovely face. He's been through all this about three times, now. And besides, the _surgical _bit. Insult to injury, what? "It isn't about anything _physical_," he adds, a bit petulant.

"You can't re-virginize a butthole," Raven points out helpfully. "No hymen!"

"And as I was _saying_," Charles continues — with a glare Raven-ward, "It isn't physical. It's spiritual. _Emotional_. It's deep, it's very deep, it's a very profound thing–"

"Nope, still not getting it," Raven's buddy Moira butts in, loading up a cos leaf with about half a pound of dip. Her delectably pretty face scrunches up, getting around it like a python. "Time's arrow is _one-way,_" she says firmly, mouth full. "And don't go quoting Einstein at me, Charlie. We all know you're a smarty-pants. But once you've — um — _lost your flower,_ sweetie? There's no do-over! You can never go home — or be a virgin –- again! It's just silly!"

Alex leans forward, elbows on the table, and grins between her and Charles. Smirking, as usual. "You heard him, babe," he says. "It's _spiritual_. Think of it as like being born again into the _Holy Spirit._ All clean, and pure, and _intact _again. Any minor past indiscretions just washed away! Must be nice." He looks thoughtful, then.


	3. above rubies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex, what a cheeky little sod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the King James version: 'Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.'

"Might try it myself," he offers up then, looking surprised at himself.

"You?" Hank scoffs, sharpening his teeth on a cutlet bone across the table. "_You _\-- a virgin? And why, anyway?"

Alex looks mysterious for a moment -- then winks at his ex. "The ladies love it," he discloses. "Can't get enough of it. Seducing an innocent clumsy nerd with an MIT degree certificate! You oughtta know, Beastie!" He looks dreamy a moment, meditative. "Winner move, Charlie. _Very _sly. I'm gonna be neck-deep in vulva before you know it..."

Moira snorts, Hank chokes. And Charles looks _extremely _disapproving.


	4. original world-famous winner dater's handbook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charles don't need the mockery from his _so-called_ buddies. He's got dates to think of.
> 
> No shaggin'. But dates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from 'It's Just A Date' by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.

"You're _completely_ missing the point," he says, snippy as anything. And it's not too long before the party breaks up anyway, all crumbs and spilled coffee, and promises to call and get together sooner, next time.

And Charles is on his way, only dropping Raven off at her acting class in the meantime. He's a busy boy. He's got things to do, lectures to give. Hearts to break.

'Cause he's only just been _born again_ \-- only just started this new _all-dating no-shagging_ routine. It's just like a new diet - or a new man. The shiny enthusiasm hasn't worn off. Yet.

And although the fox in this hunt -- the entire reason he's got himself started on this whole new approach to life, love and sex -- hasn't been run to earth yet... yet... Well, he's already getting _results_.

Which is as much as to say, he's got a date tonight. A _hot_ date. 

A dazzling creature, the prettiest thing in all of Brooklyn, one Steve Rogers. Now, all Charles has to do, for a bangin' successful beginning to his new, pure, shag-free existence, is to _not_ sleep with this glorious creature.

Boy, this regime is gonna be _tough_.

***

But he needs the practice. (In saying 'no'.) So he prepares for the evening with dedication and thoroughness. First off, a cold bath.


	5. Chapter 5

Although he's fine, really, just the way he is. Yes, Charles is single -- single, with a bi-yearly check-up at the STD clinic -- and that's _fine_. His friends keep trying to pair him off, set him up, drag him into blind dates and make him half of a pair, that's totally true. But that's their issue, not his.

He has a nice little business –- a book shop that's doing unusually good business for the trade, given the competition from big chains, online shopping and free web content. Alright, a _hobby_ business, given his trust fund, but what of it? It keeps him off the streets and out of trouble. As Raven puts it, frequently.

He's settled in a cute little condo, he has a hybrid car that doesn't have a _thing_ to prove, his family and friends are all healthy and happy and annoying him on a regular basis. It's all good, it's fine. He's single, and he's doing fine.

He's doing _fine_.

You can't tell his friends that, though. They're not listening. And then they get really serious about it.

Not that he hasn't provoked it, in some sense. It's the silver-ring re-virginization issue that seems to set them off.


	6. Chapter 6

It's while they're having dinner out -- post-Steve, and that's a whole other tragic, hilarious, abruptly disastrous tale -- that it all solidifies into a plan. Italian, and Erik points a finger at Charles –- actually, points a fork at him, across the table, loaded up with buttery pasta. “All right, _baby_, tell me how long it's actually been, now?” he demands. And he looks at Charles very narrowly –- squints at him, actually, with his pretty blue/green eyes, and his ginger fringe flopped down in his eyes. 

(Charles has maybe had a thing for Erik, a while. Or he used to, back when they first met, and Erik was a struggling actor, mostly-waiter and barkeep. But he's got all of that pretty well-regulated at this point: there's not a lot of point in carrying an active torch for someone who, though openly bi, is still most of the time a ladies' man. Not to mention his being a lot further on than the struggling actor that Charles first struck up a friendship with, four or five years ago when he first came to the city. He's a _somebody_, now: a big name even, or on the verge of it. Now, he's one of the ensemble stars of a police procedural. It has him as a one-time villain who's gone straight, and worked his way through law school, to become a newbie lawyer too well-acquainted with the seamy side of his clients' experiences. And his pretty face has done nothing to harm the show's impressive ratings. He's a legit heart-throb. Charles has always felt he was wasting his time, in that direction. So he never _has_ wasted his time (much) with pining. And now, more than ever.

Now isn't the time. Charles has a schedule, now. He has a _strategy_.)

One other thing about Erik, he's always got an insinuation, or a subtext going on underneath his words. And Charles sighs, because it's obvious what he's getting at. “Erik, if you think I'm giving you all the sordid details about the last time I _got some–_-“” he begins.


	7. Chapter 7

But he's interrupted quickly, by an Erik with an exaggeratedly horrorstruck face. “Oh God, please don't go on! Nobody wants to hear it!” He rolls his beautiful eyes, and grins, teasing. “Christ, I was talking about a _date_, you sex fiend. A date. You know, dinner, dancing, _conversation_. Not just a quick shag with a handy Grindr stallion. When was the last time?”

“Yeah, honey, even I can't remember, and I work with you!” Moira chimes in. Bright beautiful smooth-haired fluffy-headed Moira, who does in fact work 'with' Charles. If you count a few hours here and there at the book shop, when she isn't engaged in graduate studies. As well as some shifts as a home aide, a little university library shelf re-stocking, and doing the rounds of the local craft fairs, to keep herself in the black. It all helps keep her going, while she finishes up her graduate school work for her masters, before disappearing off to a doctoral program at CalTech like the brainy little egghead that she is. “Oh,” she exclaims, “hang on. Was it _Jean_? God, was it _that_ far back?”

“Damn it, woman,” Charles says, not completely feigning irritability. “Do you have to dredge that up?” Charles is gay. He's really, really gay –- he's checked and checked again, and established it to his own satisfaction. But very occasionally he _notices_ a pretty girl. And if she seems interested, and they end up going dancing and drinking together, and sleep together including having sex, and date for about a week and a half and then he realizes that she's nice but he's _still_ gay and when he tells her she flips out and stalks him for four months–-. Well, he was going to add, _where's the harm? _ But it's pretty obvious, where the harm is, in retrospect.

"I _am_ dating," he says, a bit irritable, and he thinks a bit of irritability is more than justified. "There was the thing with Steve, for starters. I have to keep my hand in, to keep in practice with my purity, keep the silver ring polished and shiny and virtuous. I just don't tell _you lot_ about it beforehand. Not knowing what _you're_ like."


	8. Chapter 8

"Steve, Schmeve," Erik says, shrugging his shoulders. He might as well add, _meh_.

"We're not counting Steve," Alex chimes in. "All things considered. What, with the _live lobster_? The ex at the next table? And the _nuddy dash for the hills_? That wasn't a date, Charlie. That was a national disaster."

Erik shakes his head, regretfully. “Let's move on. _Swiftly_. What about Jean, anyhow? Boy, she was gone on you,” he observes. “And this is why _you_ should never date the womenfolk, Charlie-boy. Too much catnip for the pussies to deal with.” Charles throws a biscotti at him, out of his coffee saucer. Erik just tips his head back, laughing, catches and crunches it between his pearly white teeth. Very wolfish.

Christ, he is beautiful, though. Charles pulls his eyes away, and feels that he's flushing a bit. It'll clash vilely with his freckles.

“We ought to do something about it,” Raven says, at the other side of the round restaurant table. “This can't be allowed to go on. We should all arrange a date for Charles! I concede he needs practice in civilized dating -- more talking, dining, courting, less caveman bop-em-over-the-head-and-back-to-mine shagging. But _supervised_ dating. I mean, curated dating. I mean, dating with our _prior approval._ I mean, now that we're all fixed up, we've got plenty of energy to spare to attend to his love-life, and make him go on horrific blind dates and rate 'em out of ten, right?” She grabs at Hank's hand, beside her, and they grin at each other smugly. It's horrific when your friends get themselves attached to somebody, and then get offensively smug about it. And even worse, when it's _each other_ that they start going out with. Hank rests his head on Raven's shoulder, and twinkles irritatingly at Charles.

“I think that's a fantastic idea, honey,” he coos. “Let's do it!”

“Anyway, what do you mean, we're _all_ fixed up?” Erik interjects, in a sad and piteous voice. “I think you're forgetting somebody here. Me!” And he waggles his hand, waving it pathetically, as if he's some sad and lonely loser who can't get a date to save his life. 

No, that would be Charles. Or they're starting to make him feel that way, at least.

“_You_ don't count as single, that's why he said 'all',” he observes now, a bit sourly. “You're married to the job. And to your own face in the mirror, for sure. You're definitely wedded to _that_.”

“Bitch,” Erik responds amiably, and blows him a kiss. “What's got into you tonight? Hey, Moira, so where's _your_ s.o. tonight? You cut her loose already, poor baby, you heartbreaker, you?” He doesn't even wait for Charles to answer.


	9. Chapter 9

Moira shakes her head solemnly. She's taking advantage of a moment's inattention, while Raven and Hank get a bit lovey-dovey, to steal a piece of Hank's cake. “Em? Her master's thesis deadline is in a couple of weeks –- she's hitting the library to solidify her research, proofread her citations formatting. I'm abandoned! But still attached. Charles is definitely the only _sad lonely pathetic single loser_ here, tonight.”

“Thank YOU,” Charles says. And he's going to ask if anyone wants to split a sundae order. Because he's fairly stuffed, from all the pasta and olives and bread, and he can't really justify a whole dessert to himself. And also, it might divert the conversation a bit. Which is getting a bit dangerous and close to the edge. Because the last thing that he wants is...

“Well, let's do it, then!” That. _That_ is the thing that is the last thing that Charles wants. For Raven to stop all of the enthusiastic face-mangling with Hank –- and that's a plus at least, probably for the poor fella too. And then, to remember that she'd just had a bright idea. About Charles. “We need to do something about Charles. Poor Charles!” Raven says, with brisk patronage.

Yeah, that was the bright idea she'd had. Charles doesn't think much of it. He begins to flick breadstick crumbs and fragments in Raven's direction, enthusiastically. “Yep, _poor Charles_,” he says, derisively. “What am I going to do, without you to look out for me, fix me up?” 

It's not enough to drive her off course from her big idea, though.


	10. Chapter 10

“Oh, you don't need to worry, son,” Hank says, in his thick Chicago accent, a big amiable cheesy grin lighting up his sweet face and delicate features. He's a big cuddly fluffy-toy of a guy, Hank, a successful venture capitalist and commercial lab director, who has a lot of muscle under a soft gym-phobic untoned frame. His dark soft hair sticks out in tufts on his head no matter how he tries to style it, so he usually doesn't bother. “You don't have to do without us! We're right here, and we're not going anywhere!” 

He says it as if it's good news, which is not how Charles would classify it. And Erik's right in there, because he does like to help. The _asshole_. “Hey, I'm in on this. This scheme has _my_ approval, and I suggest code-name '_Get Charles Some Fanny_'.” He grins around, all innocence.

“You want a smack?” Charles asks him heavily. And all that Erik does in response is to lower his head, where his arms are folded on the tablecloth, and flutter his eyelashes up at Charles. 

It makes something flutter and squirm down in Charles' belly, too. But he scowls at Erik, in the hopeless hope that it might make him _shut the fuck up._

“Yeah,” Raven says. “Absolutely. Erik should go first. As the one here who gets the most _fanny_ in the first place.” It gets a few snickers. Although she adopts a prim look, and raps the table a couple of times for attention. Before adding, “Although you might want to bear in mind -- for those of us with dual nationality, and a fine British education -- that 'fanny' means something quite different in the UK than it does _here_, sweetheart. After his last disastrous dating experience, you want to be careful what kind of fanny you finish up finding for the poor boy.”

But Erik just vaguely flaps his hand at her, waving away all of her objections and fillibustering. “Ray, darling, you know as well as I do that Charles should be grateful for whatever kind of fanny we choose to gift him with. And he will be. I'm a connoisseur of fanny the like of which the world has never seen. And don't we all know it?”

Charles knows, at this point, that it's settled. It's happening, and there's not much that he's going to be able to do to fend it off. “I can't wait,” he says, hopelessly.


End file.
